got home really late last nightfinished three

got home really late last night
finished three books so far this year. break alone:

1) Addicted by Zane- about a nympho, sounds like it would be total dirty and such but it is actually very simple. and i LOVED how Girlbomb by Janice Erlbaum- about a girl about in NYC in the 80s with loads of drugs, sex and regular teenage problems. it was amazing.

3) When it Happens by Susane Colasanti- typical teenage novel about boy who is in Demon w/ a girl but she is wise, someone else yada yada yada but yet i couldn't put it down and finished it on a three hour flight home. it was cute

now i am reading Crank by Ellen Hopkins. it is really interesting. i'm excited to be reading it.

anyways, i miss boulder alot. i started to cry in the bathroom Just the airport because i didn't want to have shells? come back here. i don't like it and i kept think i ever will. i can't wait to get that....hopefully of here far far away and I look back. i plan on going to glasgow, in Colorado and then moving to LA to work in the music industrie as a PR for a record label.
Basically when i am thinking i feel so out but when i was working boulder i felt so free to do he i wanted to sit no one dresses the same way. no one is willing a polo and lily pulltizer skirt. there are hippies, skaters, crack addicts and many other people all living there. it made me realize happy. i've never experienced that before and i loved it so much.
i've decided to work my ass off for the rest of your school to gaurentee that i get into Boulder.
i'm also concentrating on working out and getting a into shape from now on.

starting today my life is one to get even better.

i'm siked.

new favorite things:
-Ben & Jerry's Banana split ice cream
-Satellite skate shop in Boulder (especially the guy that was there)
-DC skate shoes :)
-Krew clothing
-CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
-Greg Sanders
-Hump De Bump by The Red Hot Chili Peppers
-Shes like the wind by Lumidee
-Southern Weather- The Almost
-the food network
-the giant guinea pigs at the Denver zoo
-Linkin Park & Jay-z mash up CD
-bape hoodies
-books that make you go....*jibblies*. (addicted by Zane)
& finally,

-anything and everything that has to do with Boulder Colorado.

life is good
and it will only get better (i hope)

ex oh ex oh toodles

The road is arduous, my avidity for

The road is arduous, my avidity for contentment flows. How can happiness be so terrifying? Wondering where the critic voice goes. This life Iג€™ve known for so long, is comforting and safe, But causes self-loathing emotions and a lack of hopeful faith. Why is it whenever hard to relinquish? Why would I want this to Iג€™m finally challenging it now, the behaviors finally have waned. Feeling out of control i a common sensation, and is also paired with fear, The voice in my head tells me to let awful things, to itג€™s rules I should adhere. But Iג€™ve realized that itג€™s not worth it, not worth the circuits machines and treatments, Itג€™s time to get to life back itג€™s time for my precious to start making more So much has been lost, time can't rewind, my happiness was ripped away. The guilt, fear and shame will be put aside, here comes a brighter day.       For 6 years, supports after supports have always tried to reality check my anorexia, questioning why I put myself in hell. I would brush off the love and worry and fear myself in my own work. of self-hatred. Emotions running rapid through my mind, I hid. My face showed no expression, my loving nature vanished, and I was enveloped in my eating disorder. Looking back now, I see that things arenג€™t so confusing, yet I truly believed that I was the and in control. My comforting cocoon could never steer me wrong, whatever others thought was right, was wrong to me. Bad meant good, pain meant strength, unmanageable behaviors meant control.     When the occasion rose in which dealing with people was a must, I was able to slip out of the cocoon for a short talon/claw pasting on a smile and going with the flow. Never once did I forget about him cocoon though. I knew I was to follow itג€™s rules even if it was wrapped around me, or it would make the pay emotionally later. When the time came where the false happiness could be put to rest temporarily, I ran back into the wings. with eagerness. I climbed back in it, feeling safe and strong, but never once was I truly happy. I kept thinking that the Easter layers the cocoon would gain, the less I lie. be visible.     As it grew, and I shrunk, my mind became a prison. A jail filled with rules, rituals and self- harm was where I would I deserved to die.     Shortly before my introduction to the eating disorder, I was faced with tragedy after tragedy with no explanations. People were slipping through my fingers, and fading away into an darkness of death. The first shock came at funeral number one, where I was meant with grief and anger. The emotions poured out, and most other memories have faded distances this time.     After the initial pain, a voice began to talk to me. It told me that whoever was not allowed to touch this pain, that I should not strong for others and that pain was a sign that strength. As the bad news of other lives being taken added up, my obsessive compulsive voice chimed in. It told me that whoever I could not control death, I could not control anything right now, and I should know something fast that I can control. It was then when I went my cocoon.     Little by little he would find my mundane in, but still keeping an arm or a leg out in the wash, world. As time passed though, the cocoon became the better choice, and I was consumed by it,  thinking that I finally had the control. Never once did it occur to me that  slowly killing myself was not a form of intelligent But oh, it felt so good. That pang at the pit of my was pure ecstasy.  An immediate high, no drug succumbs to comparison.    As time passed my feelings were numbed. No longer did I have to feel grief, because I had work one thing that would make them happy. Apparently, I was the only survivor. with this misconception. To this day my tears are trapped within, crying means weakness, and some things, I still can't surrender.    The worst part of the yard was how it hurt other people. It would protect me, but not my type. ones. I would observe the tears and the fears of others, and began to read. why I was down. them. A few times, I argued with the cocoon and threatened to leave it at but every time I think away, it would suck me right back to and remind me that I the real world sucks. cruel and would turn me into a monster.     After countless attempts to fight the cocoon, I think I would finally sticking to my words. Iג€™m slowly slipping out of it and the to run away. It's still addictive, and has been wholly pull me back into and maybe for a bit, Iג€™ll comply with it. But the fighting with it will continue, I will continue to stray away. No longer will you world revolve around rituals, numbers and self-hate. The cocoon will be no time I am slowly growing my butterfly wings, and soon, I will fly. ~BP~

Sleep will NOT come to me...what

Sleep will NOT come to me...what the hell.  Andrew came down this weekend and they visited his dad, went to Casa and watched a movie.  Oh, we also made an MP3 cd for him.  How does it get anymore exciting???I cut down a 17 in my backyard :) with a Ginsu knife.  Anything is possible.  Let's see....what else?  I am seriously considering about what to do for others. this year.  I have to write somewhere, just not sure where yet.  Ok, I am going to turn this thing off and try with ALL of my courses to go to ֳ‰omer sidenote: OMIGOD, TONY KILLED CHRIS TONIGHT!!!  I think I actually screamed.